Spark 'er Up
First there was the choking smog in Beijing. Then came the lack of snow in Vancouver. For the Olympics in London there’s a bloody good chance it’ll be pouring rain. For 17 straight days. Yes, it’s the Olympics. In a nauseating, drawn out ceremony tonight, tens of thousands of athletes and fans will wait around in the Olympic stadium to watch Mr. Bean light the damned torch. Question: why does it take so long? Every four years, we’ve gotta sit through the endless parade of athletes. Our Canadian athletes come out near the front of the pack, and have got to stand up for a couple of hours waiting for the rest of the athletes to come in. It’s an unfair advantage, which is sure to affect performance. The U.S. gets to come out near the end. Why should we always be the ones to stand around? Just because Canada starts with a C? I say throw all the countries in a hat, and draw to see who comes out when.
They eventually will get to the torch lighting. Well, almost. First, they have to recite the Olympic oath, which is kind of a joke, when you think of all the doping and individual sponsorships that go on. When the torch appears, it’ll get handed off to seven or eight people, even though thousands have already had their grimy hands all over it. As soon as it hits the stadium, one person should get it, and that’s it. But no. The flame gets run through the Olympic kitchen, the Olympic bathroom, the Olympic machine room, and then the Olympic bowels of the Stadium. It’ll take 20 minutes to do a two minute job. Of course, the crowd will go nuts, and then Adele will sing some sucky song about ‘realizing your dreams’, or ‘goin’ for gold.’ Ya de ya de ya.
Mark my words, this is how the Olympics will begin. We’ll witness athleticism at it’s best, from the highly tuned participants of ping pong to the thong wearing hotties of beach volleyball. Let the games begin. Just don’t forget your brolly.