Abandoned at birth Chris was raised by grizzly bears until the age of 6, when he refused to murder any more campers and was banished from the sloth (it means group of bears, don’t feel bad we had to look it up too).
He then joined a group of travelling carnival performers as the “hairiest f-ing child in the history of recorded history”. Chris made quite a bit of money over the next 5 years performing his renowned “Unkempt Cat’s Cradle” show as well as endorsing hair care products.
At the age of 11 Chris left the carnival to travel the world and defend the innocent from the evils of George Lopez. The next ten years are a still a mystery, as Chris will not discuss them with anyone. Some say he served the time in a jail in Peru for “unauthorized puppetry of the penis” but no one knows for sure.
What is known is that at the age of 21 Chris returned to his home in the mountains and started a small roadside business selling hand painted pinecones and hosting a local radio show. The following decade is so full of adventure that it is impossible to explain in this small bio…but some of the highlights include; three Noble Peace Prizes, 47 patents, lots of sex…no seriously LOTS, some cozy mittens, 7 crossbow wounds and a lifetime batting average of 306.